5 Character of Good Husband in Islam (Part 2)

Third, HELPFUL

Helpful husband, he often helped his wife. It is every wife’s dream. It means, a husband who does not hesitate to the household work and is not afraid to be labeled as wife fearing husband. 

Didn’t the Prophet p.b.u.h also was very helpful to ease the burden on his wife?

At-Tabari narrated from Aisha r.a that the Prophet pbuh assist the work of the home, helping his wife like cutting meat, sweep the house and sometimes even help the housemaid perform their task. In another narration stated that the prophet pbuh was sewing clothes and patches his shoes by himself.

Al-Aswad bin Yazid also said, I asked Aisha about what is the Prophet pbuh do when he’s at the house? Aisha replied, "He made his family duty which is helping the work of his family. If the time for prayer is coming, he went out to pray. "[Bukhari Hadith]

Many husbands are not aware, that wife’s job at home is endless and always has a deadlines. Plus if there’s a children in the family, which means there are additional responsibilities. So, in addition to housework, the wife is also expected to be assisted in the management of children. Bathing, caring, entertaining, educating are among the tasks that can be done to ease the burden on the wife.

Malay proverb states, "heavy or light are carried together." That should be husband and wife. There is no gender division of labor within the home. The lesson are the work becomes lighter and can be completed sooner which will mean more time spent together. The greater wisdom and benefit are the love of the wife will be more fertile. Because in a wife’s point of view   husband's ability to help is one manifestation of love. Implicitly it described how the husband understands his wife, the burden and responsibility.

Fourth, ANGER CONTROL

One of the sign of wisdom is not to easily provoked, mainly anger. There are many things that wife do whether it’s on purpose or not potentially arouse anger of husband, made the husband sad or at least offend him. The changing attitude of the wife such as negligence, forgetful, laziness, anger, making up something, melancholy are the ordinary things, but sometimes is over the edge and makes a husband feel impatient.

Finding out and look for reasons why these things happen is a good way of restraint. Women are born as human beings, with feelings, nerves and hormones, just like men. They are not born with a manual or remote control program. They are often not aware that they had hurt their husband feeling and say the mistakes that her husband does not actually did.

Let us take a lesson from the story of Aisha ra and Safwan ibn al Mu'attal ra on their return from the expedition of Bani Mushtaliq conquest. How the Prophet pbuh behave and react to the news that up to slander him. Despite his heartache, the Prophet pbuh chose to stay calm and complained to his Lord, and asking for opinions or advice from trusted friends.

The accident occurred on a journey back from the Bani Musthaliq conquest expedition, 'Aisha accidentally separated from the group, seeking her lost necklace and then delivered home by Shafwan who also left the group because there is a necessity.
Then 'Aisha went up to his camel and escorted by Shafwan to the Prophet pbuh and his companions entourage, but Shafwan can’t chase up the group and eventually they arrived at Medina.

Slander occurs and initiated by the Jews and hypocrites. They said that ‘something’ has happened between Aisha and Shafwan.
The problem is getting more complicated because there was disunity among the Muslims. Those who believe the issue is right and those who does not. The Prophet pbuh also change his attitude towards Aisha, he told Aisha to immediately repent. While Aisha did not want to repent because she believes that she is innocent, she just cried and prayed to God to show what actually had happened. Then Allah revealed the verses that show the Muslims that the Prophet is the best person and the consequence is whoever became his wife must be a good person too, and that includes Aishah ra.
From this God revealed Quran Surat An-Nur: 26.

Slander that has happened to Aisha may consider to be a heavy case and a very bad dream to a wife. House that’s missed clean, a slow cooked dinner, a fussy child, unwashed clothes, and a thousand other disability is just a small case that can be discussed properly and politely. However, I believe that every wife who is a good and pious woman will not let such things happen in their own homes. If any, it must have been caused by the things that are not deliberate and cannot be avoided.

Is not Aisha also been asleep when drying the grain so that the grain was eaten by birds? And once she has given all the money she has to the poor and did not leave the slightest to simply buy a snack?

I have never read that Prophet pbuh mad on her because of it.
Recognizing and understanding wife’s character and personality will help husband in determining the attitude towards their wife. Because to have a good manner and an anger control, actually is very closely related to husnudzhon (presumption of innocence) and patience in getting the truth.

Fifth, COURTEOUS and CIVILIZED

Politeness to others it is very easy, especially if the person has a higher degree; more virtuous, more charitable, more generous, more experienced .... and possibly richer, higher position, greater influence and other possibilities. But, confronted with a wife is a different story.

With a title as Chairman of the Household, a husband is expected to be polite to the wife who is his partner, a person who do almost everything for him, his life and his children. Not only the wife of a highly educated and higher degree who earn the right to be treated with courtesy, actually all wife has the right to earn this courtesy, regardless of the stage of education, social background, family origin and her history in the past.

Include the use of polite language, how to get along and way of life. Saying 'please', 'thank you' is always used even for small things. Eating with civilized even only in front of his wife, wearing clothes that look pleasing to the eye, reprimand or even when mad using a low voice (not a high tone), asked for permission when dealing with goods belonging to his wife and many more things. We can summarize it as follows, actually the many examples we mention above are what we call 'Sunnah of the Prophet'. So 'Sunnah of the Prophet’ aren’t just the polygamy issue (but also including comprehensive example regarding relationship between husband and wife).*

*The author is an educator and mother of six children

Taken from hidayatullah.com, translated & edited by Aria.

5 Character of Good Husband in Islam (part 1)

WANTED!! Good & Pious Husband

Many of unmarried women feel obligated to be good, partly due to the desire to get a good and pious husband also, based on the core clause contained in the Quran Surah An-Nur, verse 26.

الخبيثات للخبيثين والخبيثون للخبيثات والطيبات للطيبين والطيبون للطيبات

Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable.‎ (24:26)

This is not the primary motivation for that people but in some extent affect the woman who has a good heart. From the other hand, to be a good and pious is obligation and it’s a form of virtues itself.

But what about men? Mostly they are devoted to their pious deeds that must be implemented and more focused and directed to the achievement that must be achieved in terms of worldly, or the afterlife. Thus, this will create the man who are pious but have a dry taste, less or unable to show affection. Their slogan is "Honey, we intend to save you from Hell. 'Whereas at the same time, they themselves do not understand how love is defined by women. They also do not understand how their rescue effort should be understood and accepted willingly and out of love.

I'm not talking about the relationship of men and women outside the context of the household, because the unpermitted relationship (unmarried), there is a big risk to the will of lust and deception tricked by the devil (syaithan).

My bottom line is, what are the ideal characteristics that should be present in a husband, so he earned the title of "pious man".

This also important for all the young men who are ready to get married and searching for a woman, reviewing and studying this matter, thus balancing out how good they are with the good of the women whom they will be selected.

In addition to the faithful and devoted is certainly a major criterion for a pious men, there are some other things that must be considered, with a reflection to the morality of the Prophet Muhammad pbuh towards his wives.

First, ATTENTION

Husband who has attention to his wife is a sensitive husband, quickly aware of the wife’s need, from various angles. Whether in terms of material, mental or spiritual needs. He understands the mood, from her expression, speech, gaze, and perhaps also from house condition in the first minute he stepped back from work. Maybe he did not know what is actually true or what exactly is lacking, but the attitude and attention will make his wife feel appreciated and recognized in the life of the husband.

Maybe he cannot meet what is required but at least he has eased the emotional burden of his wife. Husband who is sensitive will rapidly smells the scent of grief or joy, and will try to ease it, simply to explore the life of a wife.

Among the indications of attention are; asking simple how are you, not insisting a direct answer from wife, taken care of themselves and likes to invite wife to talk. Although it’s only briefly, this sensitivity is a good impression in the heart of the wife.

Second, PATIENT

Women as well as men, are born with different character, depending on culture, knowledge and life backgrounds. Normal and regular human being, there are many characters, there is good inside and out, bad on the outside but good from the inside, some are good on the outside and kind of ugly on the inside, and there is also bad inside and out.

This is where the patience of a husband would be tested. Patient towards a bad attitude and beside that husband must have unlimited patience to wife. A real life example has been shown very wisely by the second caliph (prophet successor), Umar al-Khattab r.a.

Narrated that there was a man comes to 'Umar ibn Khattab with intentions to sue his wife's bad behavior. He was standing in front of Umar's house waiting for his exit. Accidentally he heard Umar's wife was talking bad to Umar while Umar said nothing. So the man returned and said: "If things like that with the Commander of the Believer, what about me." Soon Umar came out to see him back again, then Umar said to the man: "Is there anything I can do?" The man answer: "O Commander of the Believer, I come to complain about my wife's bad behavior that hurts my heart, "Umar said:" O my brother, I need my wife bad talk because that is my wife’s rights that I must fulfill. My wife already cook the food, make bread for me, wash my clothes, and nursing my son. All of which  are not my duty. My heart at ease if I stay away from any form of haraam (unpermitted), so I am silent as a guarantee. "

That was the wise attitude of Umar ibn Khattab. He was very understanding on the rights of a wife, and therefore he chose to be patient. Umar's attitude was not a form of weakness, he was grateful to get such a wife. Umar knew, his wife's anger only temporarily, perhaps because his wife's psychological exhaustion due to hard work and taking cares of her husband and children.

I've read this story as a teenager and I do not know the validity of this story. It's just. it fascinated me with patience and efforts to hear a husband and concurrently Commander of the believer and society. And I believe all women are also admire this story, I mean, you'll amazed by the level of patience.

Prophet Muhammad pbuh was also very patient towards his wives, especially in this case is Aisha r.a. Why I share the story here? Because aisha was going through her teen life with the Prophet pbuh and her attitude that is not far from the attitude of modern women.

Recorded in the sirah Aisha attitude towards her husband (prophet pbuh) that when viewed at first glance would be considered impolite.

Aisha did not take for granted everything that prophet pbuh said to her. For example, when she was jealous and envious, Prophet responds to her by saying, "Apparently syaithan (devil) have come unto you." Aisha ask back to the prophet, "Is there syaithan with me?". Prophet replied, "No one except with them there is syaithan." Aisha asked again, "With you, too?" And the Prophet said, "Yes, it's just that God helped me to beat it so I survived." [Hadith narrated by Muslim and Nasa'i].

Aisha is very jealous and sometimes very emotional. Remember when the Prophet received fish to be cook from Safia (known to be a good chef), what Aisha has done? She broke the Safia’s vessel, although later regretted her actions.

When she asked the Prophet what she should do to atone for his mistake, he answered, "The vessel should be replaced with the same vessel, the food should be replaced with the same food." [Hadith narrated by Abu Daud and An-Nasa'i].

Aisha also has the ability to make a sharp comment. He commented on Safia as 'Jewish woman in the middle of the women who became prisoners'. It should be remembered, Aisha’s words come from the nature of her youth with a very big sense of love and jealousy and the attitude do not exceed the limit.

Ah, as if I just record only the 'evil' of Aisha, but her goodness and benevolence was unparalleled. Because she gained instruction directly from the Prophet pbuh who is also her husband. My point is, behold, O man, O husband, exemplary patience was shown by your Prophet pbuh. With that patient, Aisha’s mature and critical attitude grew and eventually she becomes one of the mufti (Islamic scholar & teacher) after the death of the Prophet pbuh. She is not confined by "veto power" of the husband.

In other words, the good of a husband will be tested when he was confronted with a situation that demands patience. " Even if someone hurts their close people, surely it is not intentional. This is precisely what happened to the husband and wife.

Continued to part 2

Taken from hidayatullah.com (author: Paridah Abas), translated & edited by Aria.

Dr. Jerald F. Dirks Conversion Story

Dr. Dirks is a former minister (deacon) of the United Methodist Church. He holds a Master's degree in Divinity from Harvard University and a Doctorate in Psychology from the University of Denver. Author of "The Cross and the Crescent: An Interfaith Dialogue between Christianity and Islam"(2001), and "Abraham: The Friend of God" (2002). He has published over 60 articles in the field of clinical psychology, and over 150 articles on Arabian horses.

Dr. Jerald F. Dirks has an interesting conversion story. His struggle to accepts Islam as a religion, way of life and also as an identity, I think it can be a great lesson to someone who accepts Islam as the Truth but afraid to become a Muslim because pressure from the family or society.

He realized that there has to be sacrifice from him in order to become a Muslim, but as he says that we will find these sacrifices a very cheap coin to pay for the “goods” you are purchasing.

So, here is his conversion story to Islam. 

Childhood and Education

From his childhood story we know that he and his family had a great emotional experience and intensive participation in church activities. So I think because of that reasons and his big enthusiasm towards Sunday school and other church activities eventually later take him to a personal calling to focus on the ministry.  

His good preaching skill is able to draw wide attention and improve the church attendance. His good achievement from his education at Harvard College made him even a better preacher. Here are his own words from this chapter.

“One of my earliest childhood memories is of hearing the church bell toll for Sunday morning worship in the small, rural town in which I was raised. The Methodist Church was an old, wooden structure with a bell tower, two children’s Sunday School classrooms cubbyholed behind folding, wooden doors to separate it from the sanctuary, and a choir loft that housed the Sunday school classrooms for the older children. It stood less than two blocks from my home. As the bell rang, we would come together as a family, and make our weekly pilgrimage to the church.”

“In addition, there was a two-week community Bible school every June, and I was a regular attendee through my eighth grade year in school. However, Sunday morning worship and Sunday school were weekly events, and I strove to keep extending my collection of perfect attendance pins and of awards for memorizing Bible verses.”

“My preaching began to draw community-wide attention, and before long I was occasionally filling pulpits at other churches, at a nursing home, and at various church-affiliated youth and ladies groups, where I typically set attendance records.”

“That spring, Harvard named me a Hollis Scholar, signifying that I was one of the top pre-theology students in the college.”

“Following graduation from Harvard Divinity School, I spent the summer as the minister of two United Methodist churches in rural Kansas, where attendance soared to heights not seen in those churches for several years.”

Struggle for Personal Integrity

There are two points of his personal integrity struggle. First is that he was a Christian and an ordained minister but he has doubts or discomforts on Christianity basic theology. And the second is his concerned about the loss of religiousness in American society at large. Here are his own words from this chapter.

“There is some irony in the fact that the supposedly best, brightest, and most idealistic of ministers-to-be are selected for the very best of seminary education, e.g. that offered at that time at the Harvard Divinity School. The irony is that, given such an education, the seminarian is exposed to as much of the actual historical truth as is known about: 1) the formation of the early, “mainstream” church, and how it was shaped by geopolitical considerations; 2) the “original” reading of various Biblical texts, many of which are in sharp contrast to what most Christians read when they pick up their Bible, although gradually some of this information is being incorporated into newer and better translations; 3) the evolution of such concepts as a triune godhead and the “sonship” of Jesus, peace be upon him; 4) the non-religious considerations that underlie many Christian creeds and doctrines; 5) the existence of those early churches and Christian movements which never accepted the concept of a triune godhead, and which never accepted the concept of the divinity of Jesus, peace be upon him; and 6) etc. (Some of these fruits of my seminary education are recounted in more detail in my recent book, The Cross and the Crescent: An Interfaith Dialogue between Christianity and Islam, Amana Publications, 2001.)”

“As the years passed by, I became increasingly concerned about the loss of religiousness in American society at large. Religiousness is a living, breathing spirituality and morality within individuals, and should not be confused with religiosity, which is concerned with the rites, rituals, and formalized creeds of some organized entity, e.g. the church. American culture increasingly appeared to have lost its moral and religious compass. Two out of every three marriages ended in divorce; violence was becoming an increasingly inherent part of our schools and our roads; self-responsibility was on the wane; self-discipline was being submerged by a “if it feels good, do it” morality; various Christian leaders and institutions were being swamped by sexual and financial scandals; and emotions justified behavior, however odious it might be. American culture was becoming a morally bankrupt institution, and I was feeling quite alone in my personal religious vigil.”

Weaving Different Threads into a Single Strand

In time he has deeper exposures and understanding about Islam and Muslims. His new relation with his Muslim friends over time brought him to a better understanding about Islam and encourages him to ‘re-learn’ about Islam. Here are his own words from this chapter.

"My personal values and sense of morality were much more in keeping with my Muslim friends than with the "Christian" society around me. ... my nostalgic yearning for the type of community in which I had been raised was finding gratification in the Muslim community. American society might be morally bankrupt, but that did not appear to be the case for that part of the Muslim community with which I had had contact. Marriages were stable, spouses were committed to each other, and honesty, integrity, self-responsibility, and family values were emphasized. My wife and I had attempted to live our lives that same way, but for several years I had felt that we were doing so in the context of a moral vacuum. The Muslim community appeared to be different."

“While I never spoke to my Muslim friends about those books, my wife and I had numerous conversations about what I was reading. By the last week of December of 1992, I was forced to admit to myself, that I could find no area of substantial disagreement between my own religious beliefs and the general tenets of Islam. While I was ready to acknowledge that Muhammad, peace be upon him, was a prophet of (one who spoke for or under the inspiration of) God, and while I had absolutely no difficulty affirming that there was no god besides God/Allah, glorified and exalted is He, I was still hesitating to make any decision. I could readily admit to myself that I had far more in common with Islamic beliefs as I then understood them, than I did with the traditional Christianity of the organized church. I knew only too well that I could easily confirm from my seminary training and education most of what the Qur’an had to say about Christianity, the Bible, and Jesus, peace be upon him. Nonetheless, I hesitated. Further, I rationalized my hesitation by maintaining to myself that I really didn’t know the nitty-gritty details of Islam, and that my areas of agreement were confined to general concepts. As such, I continued to read, and then to re-read.”

The Comfort of the Old and Familiar Identity

In this phase actually he already believes the basic creed of Islam but he still has difficulties to let go his Christian identity. Here are his own words from this chapter.

“Later, when Iman came with my check, I attempted a round-about apology by saying: “I’m afraid I was a little abrupt in answering your question before. If you were asking me whether I believe that there is only one God, then my answer is yes. If you were asking me whether I believe that Muhammad was one of the prophets of that one God, then my answer is yes.” She very nicely and very supportively said: “That’s okay; it takes some people a little longer than others.”

Perhaps, the readers of this will be kind enough to note the psychological games I was playing with myself without chuckling too hard at my mental gymnastics and behavior. I well knew that in my own way, using my own words, I had just said the Shahadah, the Islamic testimonial of faith, i.e. “I testify that there is no god but Allah, and I testify that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah”. However, having said that, and having recognized what I said, I could still cling to my old and familiar label of religious identity.”

Playing Intellectual Word Games

In the month of holy Ramadan in 1933, Praise be to Allah (Alhamdulillah) in his quite interesting story he and his wife accept Islam and became a Muslim. Here are his own words from this chapter.

“It was now late in our Middle Eastern trip. An elderly friend who spoke no English and I were walking down a winding, little road, somewhere in one of the economically disadvantaged areas of greater ‘Amman, Jordan. As we walked, an elderly man approached us from the opposite direction, said, “Salam ‘Alaykum”, i.e., “peace be upon you”, and offered to shake hands. We were the only three people there. I didn’t speak Arabic, and neither my friend nor the stranger spoke English. Looking at me, the stranger asked, “Muslim?”

At that precise moment in time, I was fully and completely trapped. There were no intellectual word games to be played, because I could only communicate in English, and they could only communicate in Arabic. There was no translator present to bail me out of this situation, and to allow me to hide behind my carefully prepared English monologue. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t understand the question, because it was all too obvious that I had. My choices were suddenly, unpredictably, and inexplicably reduced to just two: I could say “N’am”, i.e., “yes”; or I could say “La”, i.e., “no”. The choice was mine, and I had no other. I had to choose, and I had to choose now; it was just that simple. Praise be to Allah, I answered, “N’am”.”

“With saying that one word, all the intellectual word games were now behind me. With the intellectual word games behind me, the psychological games regarding my religious identity were also behind me. I wasn’t some strange, atypical Christian. I was a Muslim. Praise be to Allah, my wife of 33 years also became a Muslim about that same time.”

Paying A Small Price for A Good Return

In this chapter he emphasizes that a new Muslim will find a trial and chalenges from society but as he says that we will find these sacrifices is a very cheap coin to pay for the “goods” you are purchasing. Here are his own words from this chapter.

"For those contemplating the acceptance of Islam and the surrendering of oneself to Allah—glorified and exalted is He, there may well be sacrifices along the way. Many of these sacrifices are easily predicted, while others may be rather surprising and unexpected. There is no denying the existence of these sacrifices, and I don’t intend to sugar coat that pill for you. Nonetheless, don’t be overly troubled by these sacrifices. In the final analysis, these sacrifices are less important than you presently think. Allah willing, you will find these sacrifices a very cheap coin to pay for the “goods” you are purchasing."

For complete story visit http://www.welcome-back.org/profile/dirks6.shtml
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Related article : "Yvonne Ridley, a British Journalist Amazing Conversion Story"

De Lacy O'Leary on Muhammad p.b.u.h

De Lacy O'Leary

De Lacy O'Leary (* 1872 , † 1957 ) was a British clergyman, Arabist and semitist .

Classics of Arabic is his representation of Arabia before Muhammad and his Short History of the Fatimids - Caliphate .

Semitist: Person who does semitic studies. The Semitic is the field of comparative linguistics that deals with the Semitic languages ​​, a branch of the Afro-Asiatic languages ​​are employed.

Arabist: The Arabic (Arabic Philology ) is the science of the Arabic language and Arabic literature . The Arabic is part of Oriental and work closely with the Islamic studies connected.

The linguistic part deals with the various stages of the Arabic language as ancient Arabic , Classical High Arabic , Middle Arabic , Modern Standard Arabic and its dialects .

As Arabic Literature explores the Arabic poetry and prose literature of the pre-Islamic times to the present and the religious, philosophical, historical and geographical literature of the Islamic culture and the Jewish and Christian literature in Arabic.

Commentary on Muhammad p.b.u.h

De Lacy O'Leary in 'Islam at the Crossroads,' London, 1923.

History makes it clear, however, that the legend of fanatical Muslims sweeping through the world and forcing Islam at the point of sword upon conquered races is one of the most fantastically absurd myths that historians have ever repeated.

So, I think his commentary shows us that not just the true image of Islam & Muhammad p.b.u.h is distorted but this action is repeated throughout history.